PART ONE

When I first came across the song freya riding - lost without you, I instantly deeply resonated with it. The words in this song transcended me back to every major loss in my life, gymnastics, my first love, my childhood dog, and now my dad.

I have been listening to this song since my dad passed, thinking of all the things I had lost in my life that made me deeply feel every word of this song. It wasn’t until this past week when I finally started with a new counsellor that I had the biggest realization about maybe why I had so deeply resonated with this song over the years. 

It is me who I am lost without. 

It’s not about; gymnastics, my first love, my childhood dog, or my dad. 

2023, you were supposed to be the year I found myself again and gained my strength back but you literally did the exact opposite. You stripped me back even further than I could have ever imagined possible. On the dark days, I couldn’t remember that I was/am exactly where I needed to be. Now that I have had time to reflect over the last year, I can now acknowledge that all this happens for me and not to me. Accepting that this has happened doesn’t mean I have to like it or be happy about it. My feelings are valid. My experience is valid. The only thing I can do is control how I react and move forward. The only person I can control is me.

2022, the year that will be remembered as the year I said goodbye to my dad.

When you lose someone close to you, your perspective on life changes. The little things that used to matter don’t matter anymore and what you once thought was a priority isn’t anymore. You realize what is worth spending your energy on and what isn’t. Your outlook on life shifts and you hope that others see it too but you know that the chances are they won’t. And they realistically won’t until they lose someone close which you hope never happens but also at the same thing you want them to understand, not just say they do.

My dad's last week was heartbreakingly beautiful, it was full of love, laughter, tears, and my dad's favourite foods. My dad got to say goodbye to all his friends and family when he still had the energy, still had the mental capacity to tell all of us the things he wanted to say, and while he could still joke and be his true self. 

Besides being grateful for Matt, my Olympic level birthing coach. We are so glad we went with a midwife team & doula.

There is absolutely no specific training or anything you can do to prepare your body or mind for the miracle of birth because everyone’s birth is unique in their own special way. Giving birth to our beautiful baby boy was one of the hardest things I have experienced mentally, emotionally, and physically.

As I sit here reflecting over the nine months of pregnancy, I never thought I would say this but a part of me does miss the feeling of being pregnant. I don’t think I appreciated it at the time but there is no doubt something beautiful about a pregnant woman.

Being pregnant during a pandemic was truly a blessing in disguise.

For as long as I can remember I was always terrified of pregnancy, labour, being a mother, and having another human solely relying on me to live. I never felt like I had a natural maternal instinct, I was always a little rough around the edges, and can easily be emotionally detached if I wanted to be. My fear of the whole process even played a huge part of me convincing myself for years that I did not want to have kids.

Follow our beauty journey through pregnancy, labour and parenthood.

the year of highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

our twenty nineteen.

we have decided each year moving forward we will intentionally check in with each other, individually and together. each year we are going to make an effort to go off the grid, connect with each other with intention and maybe we will ask the same questions each year, maybe we won’t. But we will make the time to disconnect from the world and connect with ourselves and each other.

posting this, is not easy and i have been overthinking this for over twenty four hours. but my gut is telling me that i need to, for my future self. i have the choice to not post, to post on my other secret blog or to post. i choose to post, in hopes that it will help more than my future self. but for now, this is for me, and only me. a reminder that for the next time i feel emotionally constipated that i can let the tears fall.

i am forever grateful to the two people who raised this human, right here. and to all the people in his life now, in the past who have helped shape him to be who is he, today.

he made this day, just a little better by being him.

rip in peace my little fur baby. i will miss you more than you will ever imagine possible. thank you for the most amazing sixteen years, eleven months and twenty eight days together.

I had been waiting for someone/anyone to hike the sea to summit trail with me then one day, I woke up and asked myself "why the hell am I waiting for someone since when did I ever need anyone to do anything with me?"

it all started one day when… i was full of self doubt. one of my best friends was trying to help me see all the successful things i had accomplished. she went on and listed things like….

There is an uncomfortable feeling about any change.

Even if it’s fully necessary, even it’s exactly what you want and need, even when it’s your choice.

Familiarity is comfortable, it’s what we know best.

2018 was a weird year because i was somehow living my best and worst life at the same time.