my struggle in silence
body image
suffered with body dysmorphia & had no idea
“And she let go of trying to be a perfect person, only to discover just how perfect she already was.”
I struggled in silence for many years with how my body looked and felt. I stayed silent because I knew how ridiculous my thoughts were, I was always what society labels as skinny, fit and even at my heaviest weight, I would have never been seen as overweight.
For years, I never felt comfortable in my own skin, I felt like I was living in someone else's body. The negative thoughts consumed me all day, everyday from the moment I woke up to when I went to bed at night.
Looking back now, even though I consciously told myself all the time it didn't bother me and that I wasn't stressed. It was always subconsciously there all the time, eating away at me. It was probably the root cause of all my digestion issues.
I had this image and idea of how I wanted to look and feel and there was no way I would stop, there was no way I would be satisfied, there would be no way I would be good enough until I got there. I got close in 2014 with a 4pac at 110lbs but that came with huge sacrifices; counting calories, measuring all my food and declining any social events that involved food. Not having a social life was great on my bank account, I was able to pay off my student loan.
I finally felt comfortable in my body, my mind finally got a break, I could breathe again. I loved the way I looked and felt but I wondered how I was suppose to maintain living this way for the rest of my life.
reality check
you can't
Eventually, sometime in 2015 my digestion issues started to slowly get better, I didn't question it, I didn't think twice about it because no one could explain why I had issues so I wasn't even going to spend another minute questioning why it was improving.
Completely unrelated and without even knowing it or trying, I started to learn more about the mind, thoughts and how to control them. It didn't happen overnight but eventually I realized even though I had gained weight, and lost my 4 pac those thoughts that told me the body I had isn't the one I am suppose to have no longer consumed my mind all day, everyday.
I still have days where I look in the mirror and see areas I want to improve but I have learned to recognize it and let it go. I still have goals of how I want my body to look and feel but now that I have learned to control my thoughts, my body listens and gives my mind what it wants. This is the least strict I have been on my nutrition and I still feel comfortable everyday.
When I look in the mirror, I finally see what I think everyone else sees. And even if I don’t, I don’t care.
Edit: I wrote this January 2018 and it didn't hit me until June 2018 I suffered body dysmorphia.
“Self-love is the balance between accepting yourself as you are while knowing you deserve better, and then working towards it.”