My lessons of 2022
2022, the year that will be remembered as the year I said goodbye to my dad.
It’s almost been a month and I still get flashbacks to my dad’s last day. I still can’t believe how calm, how certain, how damn brave he was. I had never in my whole life seen my dad so confident about something. There was absolutely no doubts, no moments of wavering, and absolutely no fear. I had grown up with a dad who worried, got stressed, and feared most things (like the typical Asian parent). There was no stress or worry during his last week, just happiness, relief, and certainty. He had let go of all his worries knowing that his life on earth would be over soon.
And truthfully, the only way I have been carrying on is by holding on to the fact that my dad must have been really suffering in all forms to make the decision to leave us. I also try to remind myself that in order for him to come to this decision, my dad knew he successfully raised my brother and me. He knew that by working his ass off his whole adult life that he had built a safety net for us. A safety net that my brother and I don't even need or want, the safety net that we wanted and wished my dad had spent on himself. He no longer had any worries or fears about us. He knew we would be okay, and eventually be more than okay.
Even though I held his hand, and I physically saw my dad pass away it still doesn’t feel real, it feels like he will just reappear one day. Or maybe it is more that I am hoping that he will just reappear one day. I just can’t picture living a life without my dad. The fact that we only have the memories we have created and will no longer be making any new memories or have any more moments together. One of my last moments with my dad was beautiful, but beautiful moments are usually associated with happy moments like graduation, engagement, marriage, and birth but you never really think saying goodbye to someone could be so heartbreakingly beautiful. It’s confusing, and it really messes with your mind and your heart.
In the last month, I have been going through the actions of what we should be doing, like planning his funeral, sorting through estate things, cleaning up his place, donating, selling, and gifting his things but I feel numb through it all. I can’t even cry. Which I guess makes it easier because I feel less attached to his old printer, his old rusty golf clubs, and his music equipment that sat in a closet collecting dust.
We’ve been at my dad’s place almost every single day since the day my dad passed. Kazu was having huge meltdowns and feelings every time we left and for the last couple of days, he would say that he doesn’t want to leave and that he would like to stay at gung gung house. He even asked for the first time “where gung gung is?”. I told him that gung gung is not physically here anymore but he will always be with you and he will always be watching over you. But if I am being completely honest, I don’t truly believe that myself. I am struggling to figure out in my mind where my dad really is. All I know is that he is physically not here with us anymore but I don’t exactly know what I believe in terms of where he “is”. A number of people have said they have dreamed of my dad, and had seen a sign that he had visited to say hi but I am still waiting for that sign, for that feeling of knowing for sure he is still with me. How much of what we say to a grieving person is to a) make ourselves feel better b) out of necessity because we need to “believe” in something because if we don’t it would be a complete mind f***. Throughout this journey, I have seen people’s true colors, the good and the bad - and it truly makes you reflect on every aspect of your life.
When you lose someone close to you, your perspective on life changes. The little things that used to matter don’t matter anymore and what you once thought was a priority isn’t anymore. You realize what is worth spending your energy on and what isn’t. Your outlook on life shifts and you hope that others see it too but you know that the chances are they won’t. And they realistically won’t until they lose someone close which you hope never happens but also at the same time you want them to understand, not just say they do.
The shifts and realizations I have had while watching my dad fight and lose his battle to cancer are some of my biggest lessons of 2022.
The strength and the love of family - I have realized how much love I have for my family and how much love we have for each other. For a better part of my life, I had always prioritized my friends and boyfriends - the people I called the family I could choose. However, this has massively shifted in the last 2.5 years and I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to not neglect my family as much as I did.
The importance of living the life I want to live - For me that is traveling, and new experiences. I am tired of being stuck at home. There is no excuse or reason big enough in this lifetime to stop you from experiencing life the way you want to. If you want it bad enough, you will make it happen.
Why I need to practice gratitude and remain positive - Prior to becoming a mom and the pandemic both gratitude and positivity was something I worked really hard to keep at the forefront of my life and it is something that I have fallen out of touch with and it is time to bring it back.
That all things are subject to constant change - Even though I have this daily reminder tattooed on my wrist, I have lost sight of this mindset. “All things are subject to constant change, and everything has changed, is changing, and will continue to change.” - Shogyo Mujo I am learning that it’s okay if what you thought you once wanted, changes. I’m not the same person that I was and I will never stay the same person. I am someone who has always changed throughout the years and will continue to change.
That I need to selfishly make myself a priority - I need to trust my gut/instinct and do what I want, need, and ask for help - and continue to do this no matter how selfish it feels. “If taking care of yourself means letting someone down, then let someone down. Your self-love must always be stronger than your desire to be loved by others.” - Steven Barlett
That I have to surround myself with people who lift me up, not pull me down - This has been SO hard as I have felt really isolated with being a new mom during the pandemic. I have realized how important my village and my people are and how much I need them and need to not only connect virtually with them but to see them in person. It’s time to find my way back to finding time to physically be around people who make me feel good.
That I can’t do it all - And I shouldn’t have to just because I can. I learned this lesson with a past job and worked really hard to move away from this personality trait. However, I fell back here when I became a mother. There are really no words that can accurately describe the mental load of being a mother. It is all-consuming and even delegating tasks/responsibility feels overwhelmingly impossible because where do you even start?
Being adaptable is the key to living a stress-free life - The ability to be okay with not only unexpected change but handling it while remaining calm and collected. Everything is figure-out-able and everything will be okay in the end.
That I shouldn’t wait - If you want something, if something is important to you, don’t wait, don’t procrastinate, and don’t let other people’s opinions stop you. Make it a priority. You might not get another chance.
Stress will slowly kill people either physically or mentally - Daily life and work should not be stressors. It’s just not worth living life being stressed. If you are, it’s time to change your job, make a change in your life, or do the work to learn how to manage your stress better.
The benefits of investing in my own self-growth - Never stop trying to be better than you were. I realized I need to make time for this as I realized how uninspired I feel because I am not investing in myself by learning and developing.
To live in the moment, and live for the moment - Don’t live your daily life worrying about the past or the future. You can’t change the past and no amount of worrying will change your future. What is meant to happen, will. Do the work in the moment and trust that your life will take you where you need to go, it could be bad but the reality is that it will only be a moment in time before it shifts back to being good.
Focus on controlling the controllable, and to let go of the rest - You are solely responsible for yourself, what anyone else does or doesn’t do with their life is not on you. Let go of the notion that you can make anyone change their mind or their ways. Stop wasting time and energy worrying about things or people you can’t control. Spend more time and energy on yourself, on what you can actually control or change. All change comes from within you, and your mind. You can either work with your mind to thrive or fixate on the uncontrollable and get trapped.
In reflecting on these 2022 lessons, I have realized that being raised by my dad, has, directly and indirectly, taught me most of these lessons and has shaped me into who I am today. My dad was far from perfect, he was stubborn, he lacked self-awareness, he struggled a lot with change, he was frugal/worried about money all the time, and he got stressed out about everything. But once my brother and I were old enough he always lived the life he wanted, he was selfless, he had the biggest heart, he was kind, he was extremely generous to others, and he absolutely loved his family. He did anything and everything for the people he loved. In my dad’s final days, he made himself a priority, he felt gratitude & positivity, he lived in the moment, he surrounded himself with people who lifted him up, he stopped worrying about money, and he let go of the uncontrollable. I started from a young age by learning and recognizing what traits I wanted to inherit from my parents and the ones I saw as a growth opportunities.
Dad, I know you probably never fully understood me or my brother but you loved us unconditionally regardless. I hope the parts of us that you did understand, makes you proud because I can confidently say that I am proud of who I have become even if I feel a little lost at the moment.
As I am searching for meaning/purpose, and reflecting on my entire life I realized I absolutely loved the person I was before I become a mom, before the pandemic, and before losing my dad. I was on this trajectory of self-growth, self-love, discovery, and healing. I felt inspired every single day. I was happy. I felt free. I sprung out of bed every morning ready for the day. I know I need to find my way back to that person because life is way too short to be living life feeling utterly uninspired.
Our time here can be taken at any moment and I want to live a life with no regrets. A life that is full of memories, experiences, and impact (even if the impact is sharing my words with a small number of people).
