my emotional health

being in

touch with my emotions

note to self;

it is okay to not have your shit together .
it’s okay not to be happy and positive every single day.
you are not a robot
you are a human being with emotions,
and being happy and positive all day every day day, somethings doesn’t happen
you have got to give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling and work through it.
go easy on yourself. - @thebehappyproject

———

anyone who knows me, knows social media and my writing is

a place to remind me of my journey through life.

i often look back to see how much

has changed

i have grown

i have overcome

how much my mindset has shifted in time

how different i am year to year.

it is a place that has also helped me find my voice, again.

it is also a place i find my inspiration and courage.

———

posting this, is not easy and i have been overthinking this for over twenty four hours.

but my gut is telling me that i need to, for my future self.

i have the choice to not post, to post on my other secret blog or to post.

i choose to post, in hopes that it will help more than my future self.

but for now, this is for me, and only me.

a reminder that for the next time i feel emotionally constipated that i can let the tears fall.

that i am capable.

that i know how.

that i will be okay.

i know i will look back at this photo one day,

and feel proud of how far i have come.

because even though i look sad,

i am happy, happy of all the progress i have already made.

happy to know there is a human somewhere inside.

tears don’t make you weak. tears don’t make you less of a person. tears are not a bad thing, tears need to fall sometimes, tears are okay, tears should not make you feel shame.

tears make you human.

———

i learned resiliency at a very young age.

my parents wanted only the best for me so they were hard on me. i can’t fault them, they didn’t know any better, they did the best they could with what they knew.

i got a lot of tough love, at home, at gymnastics and dance. there was no time or a place to be “weak”.

you learned to get up and do it again, you faced your fears head on with your head held high.

tears were not tolerated or accepted.

not necessarily a terrible thing, it got me through thirty years of my life, given me the courage to take risks, to take advantage of opportunities and live with no regret.

it has taught me;

how to be fearless

to chase my dreams

to trust my gut

to work damn hard

to push myself out of my comfort zone

the ability to get through hard times with no one having a clue

to push through and just keep swimming.

but

there is always a but.

i never learned how to be in touch with my emotions or other’s emotions.

every time someone else would start crying, i didn’t know how to act, i felt awkward and uncomfortable, i felt nervous. i didn’t want to do or say the wrong thing, i didn’t want to make them more upset.

i remember every time i felt the tears weld up in my eyes, i would avoid people, and any human touch.

because

it made it that much harder to stop them from falling.

and i eventually i got really good at stopping them from falling.

it became easier to stop them then to just let them fall.

it was easier to not feel than to feel.

because who would want to feel bad.

it was easier to ignore and avoid.

over the last few years

i can count on my hands the number of times i let the tears fall.

over the next few years

i hope that

i can let the tears fall without reservation

i will inspire others who struggle that it’s okay to acknowledge and embrace their emotions

i can show myself how far i have come

i will no longer feel uncomfortable and awkward when someone is brave enough to show their vulnerability to me

i am so in touch with my emotions that i can teach my future children about not only resiliency

but

also the importance of

emotional health

and

it is absolutely okay to let the tears fall.

next time, someone is brave enough to let the tears fall in front of you - please please try to make them feel nothing but safe.

feeling safe, loved and supported is the only reason i am now able to begin to be in touch with my emotions.

and it wouldn’t have been possible without my boyfriend, matt and my good friend ashley.

making me feel nothing but safe in their presence.

thank you

matt took this picture of me when i could hardly breathe from the pain i was feeling, when i saw this photo, i cringed and deleted it off my phone because i couldn’t bare to see myself feel so deeply.

i asked him to keep it and today, i asked him to send it to me.