let's talk, talk about thoughts
rewiring my brain
to think less
let’s talk, talk about thoughts.
thoughts that,
make your head spin
control you
consume you
are irrational
you try to rewrite
come and go
don’t ever stop
make it hard to feel
you can’t seem to forget
are negative
alter reality
bend the truth
justify behaviour
sit with you all day.
———
if you are anything like me, we think, we over think, and then we think some more.
we think so much that our minds don’t know how to stop, thinking is all we know.
it is constantly spinning with more than one thought.
and
it takes more effort & energy to not think, then to think.
and
when you finally sit with yourself in absolute silence
the only sensation you can recognize in your body is
anxiety.
———
my third counselling session has left me feeling a bit brain dead; absolutely exhausted.
and to be honest all around anxious.
we did our first eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) session.
EMDR is an interactive psychotherapy technique used to relieve psychological stress.
EMDR was hard, it was hard to
move only your eyes back and forth
think and not to think
identify how i felt versus how i think i should feel
give up control
know what to do and what not to do
feel comfortable
let go of ‘should’
know if you were doing it “right”
turn off my mind
connect thoughts to how i felt in my body
just be.
EMDR is hard and i know this has to get worse before it can get better.
———
it was hard to
find my “safe/happy” place, and come up with a phrase that described how i felt there
the first image that popped up was sitting on the beach in bali watching the sunset, but i eventually landed to the morning i walked along the beach in canggu and saw more dogs than people.
@jaeinspired: somebody please pinch me; is this real life? you know you belong somewhere when you are walking along the beach to breakfast because it's the shortest route and there are more dogs on the beach then people. - dec 3 2017 in bali, canggu
“i am free.”
———
i also had to
think about the car headlights coming at me, and about seeing jj being squished by the car.
i had to admit the negative thought that has been spinning in my head every single day
“i am incompetent.”
and eventually, i tried to rewrite that thought to
“i am okay.”
———
i learned
that i didn’t know how to identify positive body sensations, i only could identify how it felt to feel anxious.
that my arms tingle when something feels right and aligned.
that the left side of my brain works way more than it should.
that it’s going to take a lot of time to rewire my right brain to know what the hell is going on.
how to ground myself so i can be more present.
that using your whole brain is exhausting.
and that even though i want to write more and feel incomplete, i am struggling to find the words.